December 2011
7 posts
Maybe she's born with it.
I’ve been interviewing like crazy lately. So much so that LA has simply become a series of buildings in which I don’t work.
Recently, I received some feedback that one of my interviewers did not like that I wore fake eyelashes to my meeting. She found it distracting and inappropriate for the setting.
Obviously I agree that fake eyelashes aren’t acceptable for a business...
Excuse me, but would a homeless person have a...
Dear Bitchface Who Cut in Front of Me & Everyone Else On Line and Then Went Bezerkers and Called Me a Homeless Twat When I Made You Move to the Back, 1. Homeless? I know I was wearing laundry day clothes, but please notice I took the time to match my shoes to my purse to my headband. 2. I spent three hours of my day cleaning up after an elderly German Shepard. I just don’t have the...
Every bottle of gin deserves a hug.
When I got laid off I got fat.
I’m not going to mince words here - I was depressed and, because I didn’t have a puppy to hug, I started hugging a bottle of gin instead. Gin pairs really well with those Mushroom Turnovers from Trader Joe’s. And one thing I wasn’t thinking about in my sadness coma was that those little turnovers are about 7,000 calories each. And also,...
November 2011
5 posts
How to Win Friends and Influence People and Ruin a...
While bowling with friends and family the conversation turned to riddles.
The riddle in question: You have 8 marbles. All of them weigh 1 ounce, with the exception if one, which weighs 1.1 ounce. You only have two attempts on the scale to find the 1.1 ounce marble.
Answer: How about I fuck up the scale, throw away the marbles and kick you in the dick?
I hate riddles.
But I love a good...
I bet if I was breckman you'd give me all sorts of...
My health insurance recently lapsed and, being unemployed, I can’t afford a new plan. Seeking a temporary alternative, I applied for Medicaid.
I thought that, like applying for unemployment and getting birth control, it would be super easy. I’d walk in, tell them I’m poor and recently laid-off and, in a Dickensian-like moment, they’d shower me with gifts and healthcare...
Easy as 3.14159 divided by infinity.
For my dad, saying “happy as a clam” is just too easy.
Instead he says, “Happy as a chimpanzee on banana pleasure day.”
Listening to him explain why this is an acceptable idiom is even better than hearing the words “banana pleasure day” actually used in a sentence.
October 2011
4 posts
You don't have to tell me I'm packing junk in the...
A man in the CVS parking lot told me I had a fantastic ass and then tried to sell me drugs.
So, obviously, high point for the day.
I have a way with people.
Waiting in line for my prescriptions I end up next to a strange, middle-aged man who - without prompting - begins telling me about his recent, messy breakup.
Possibly picking up on my disinterest he finally says, “I’m not sure why I’m telling you this, you just have a very open face.”
I enthusiastically reply, “Like a sandwich?”
He shifts awkwardly. ...
August 2011
2 posts
Oh, like pieces of your scalp don't fall off onto...
Some girls I know who write a fashion blog were trying to brainstorm questions to ask a famous stylist - who had granted them an interview.
They kept ecstatically shouting things like, “What should you wear when you debut a new ‘do?” and “What products will optimize and highlight my daily style?”
When they ran out of ideas they turned to me.
“Averie, do you...
Hot and vomity.
When I first moved to Los Angeles. I was poor as dirt. I’d just graduated college and was basically incapacitated by loan debt and lack of a decent wage.
One of the first jobs I acquired was at a television network seating show tapings and giving tours of the facility to hapless tourists who had been suckered in by promises of movie magic and star-sightings.
I had to wear a uniform.
It was...
July 2011
1 post
I've always been an animal lover (in a...
My sister chatted me at work, “I found a duck in our backyard.”
My immediate response should’ve been, “Cool. Well, I’m at work.” But my ACTUAL response was, “OMGZ!! Did you catch him?! Did you keep him?! Did you name him?! What was he doing?! How long did he stay?! TELL ME!”
Understandably she said, “WTF. Calm down.”
But I...
