March 2012
8 posts
You could just stare at the wall and pretend...
Once upon a time I lived in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
I didn’t really fit in.
I had a few nice friends, but at the end of the day, I’m a liberal who donates to Planned Parenthood. Enough said.
To make the best of a situation, I tried to get into after school activities - and when I ended up being the only member of the Poetry Club, I turned to babysitting for the families in my...
February 2012
14 posts
Sex-machine.
No one would ever describe me as sexy.
I’m not being self-deprecating. I’m being serious.
If you were looking for me and asked a stranger to point me out in the crowd, he or she would NOT say, “Oh, she’s the sexy brunette by the fountain. See her? The one standing confidently, like she owns the place.”
While I might be better described with words highlighting...
As much as I appreciate your optimistic outlook,...
I still don’t have a job.
Feeling a bit downtrodden, I walked over to my neighborhood CVS to purchase a little solace. Also known as candy.
While waiting on line the man behind me notices my tense attitude and begins to relentlessly pester me to tell him why a “pretty girl” like me ”looks so sad.”
In an effort to end the conversation I quickly say, “I...
I have terrible timing.
Yesterday, there was a fire in my apartment complex.
There were fire fighters running through the halls, evacuating people in the neighboring apartments and dragging hoses up the stairwell.
Unfortunately, I missed all of that because I was in the shower scream-singing “SexyBack.”
It wasn’t until I wrapped myself in a towel and walked into the smoke-filled living room that...
There's been a lot of men in the media telling my...
Just a thought…
There’s only one other group I can think of that would be LESS qualified to talk about contraception and that’s these guys:
But since they’re terrible at reproducing anyway, I imagine the conversation would turn to bamboo pretty quickly.
Let's try and make this as awkward as possible.
About two years ago my doctor told me I needed a cholecystectomy.
I didn’t really understand what that meant, so like a mature adult, I started crying.
While my doctor plowed through a quick explanation of my disgusting insides and how they were disgusting, he simultaneously scribbled a referral and ushered me out of the office.
A few days later I’m sitting on tissue paper in the...
You're a wizard, Harry.
I’ve been recovering from a rather nasty cold. I’m all phlegmy and gross and going through enough tissues to deforest Washington.
So, of course, the week I’m undesirable to society I have a crapload of job interviews.
I don’t think I need to reiterate that I’m fucking SICK. I keep having spontaneous coughing attacks and sneezing spells - and if I don’t...
